I'm really very sorry love. Sometimes I get stupid and say things that I don't mean or aren't going to be true for very long. I love you. I'm sorry. I honestly feel like sometimes there are these forces that really don't want us to be together and keep tugging at our strings to break us apart. I'm sorry love. I do love you and I'm tired of bringing up the past all the time. From now on, I'm gonna try really hard to stick to the present. So, for the present, I love you and I miss you and I think things will be better once we reach FPC and can see each other all the time =). I love you baby. I really don't feel like my emotions are entirerly in my control but how I deal with them is. So I am going to try really hard to figure out exactly what I want. What I know I do want though is you cause you make me happy. You really do. I know I don't say it enough and I know I don't show it enough but you really do. I love you baby girl. I hope to see you soon. Oh and just in case I was really stupid last night and don't remember, you ARE still invited to this weekend if you wish to come. Of course, I still gotta ask my Mom but that shouldn't be a problem. Okay? So, I love you and I miss you and you do make me feel really special. If we deal with the present and not the past, you put more effort into me than I do into you. I mean that. Really. So, I love you and I will talk to you soon. Maybe tonight hopefully. Okay? Bye baby, have fun.

Sincerely yours,
Chris

P.S. There's something I feel I am missing but hopefully I'll remember it when I talk to you tonight. Good night, Sprite of mine. Love,

Chris

Boston was awesome. Chris and I just had a terrible.. something.. I guess fight? 10 days until FPC and I really feel that we will be okay

I love Christopher. Saves the day, as always. Can't wait for Boston, handsome.

I'm sorry Elizabeth

So here it is... the day before my 20th birthday. It's official = I'm old. I didn't feel that way until today. I am convinced that I am the only person left over the age of 16 that looks forward to her birthday. My brother forgot. My other brother is invisible as always. My mother told me last night that she is not excited and we fought about my birthday dinner. Birthday dinner, for chrissakes! I told her if it was too hot to cook that we could go out. Its a family tradition since before I was born. Chrissie is not excited either, she obviously thinks I am way to old for this much fuss, but she tried. I tried many times to tell EVERYONE, (Manda, Mom, Chrissie, Ben, Chris) that they WERE my presents, but it doesn't seem to matter. Everyone, except Chris, thinks I am childish and selfish. Next year, I am making the shortest birthday list EVER. A couple of CD's, a book and some Kahlua. Now thats a celebration. And we will go out to eat. SO no one has to cook. AND I will NOT plan a get together in Maine because it is obvious that I was naive and depended on my slacker brother for something important. You think I would have learned when I was 12 and he never talked to me. Or when I was 17 and graduated and he never showed. Not even at home, when I had to deal with my Dad. Even Kenny, the o' so exalted exiled one showed up and called me on my birthday. I know Ken is not perfect, (I still maintain that he was when I was little), but he has been there when I needed him. I know that Ken and Ben are very different people and I love them both. I just wish I could count on Ben. Just once. I really do. Now my Mom feels really bad that we can't go to Maine, and she even offered to drive me to New Hampshire to see Manda, but that doesn't work either, for obvious reasons. Ben is so vague. He won't even give me a definite answer. We have had this planned for like two months. I was not excited at all, but Chris and Manda managed to make me feel better and feel happy and special and excited, so I got my hopes up and now it's done. Before it even begun. So this is why I am old, I get excited for impossible things.

Now I have to call my brother and manage not to yell at him, even though that is what I really want to do, and cancel. Like I am the one who cancelled. I left Manda a cell phone message and I know I sounded pathetic, but I was kinda happy that Ben actually wanted to go. More than that, I want Manda hugs! It has been way too long since I have seen her. At least I will see her at the end of this month. Mom and Chris can't go up North and leave the three of us, (Manda, Chris and Me) the house, so I will just have to deal. I am truly sorry Leylia, if this sounds like a poor princess pity rant, I don't want it to be, but it probably is, huh? I am pretty much angry and feeling ridiculous. I am mostly angry at myself. I wish I could talk to Chris. As always, Chris is the one who stands by me. I do not know what I would do without that man. Honestly. I am too something to exercise right now, I didn't exercise yesterday, either, so I am just gonna be a pudgy, lazy bum and take a shower.