So here it is... the day before my 20th birthday. It's official = I'm old. I didn't feel that way until today. I am convinced that I am the only person left over the age of 16 that looks forward to her birthday. My brother forgot. My other brother is invisible as always. My mother told me last night that she is not excited and we fought about my birthday dinner. Birthday dinner, for chrissakes! I told her if it was too hot to cook that we could go out. Its a family tradition since before I was born. Chrissie is not excited either, she obviously thinks I am way to old for this much fuss, but she tried. I tried many times to tell EVERYONE, (Manda, Mom, Chrissie, Ben, Chris) that they WERE my presents, but it doesn't seem to matter. Everyone, except Chris, thinks I am childish and selfish. Next year, I am making the shortest birthday list EVER. A couple of CD's, a book and some Kahlua. Now thats a celebration. And we will go out to eat. SO no one has to cook. AND I will NOT plan a get together in Maine because it is obvious that I was naive and depended on my slacker brother for something important. You think I would have learned when I was 12 and he never talked to me. Or when I was 17 and graduated and he never showed. Not even at home, when I had to deal with my Dad. Even Kenny, the o' so exalted exiled one showed up and called me on my birthday. I know Ken is not perfect, (I still maintain that he was when I was little), but he has been there when I needed him. I know that Ken and Ben are very different people and I love them both. I just wish I could count on Ben. Just once. I really do. Now my Mom feels really bad that we can't go to Maine, and she even offered to drive me to New Hampshire to see Manda, but that doesn't work either, for obvious reasons. Ben is so vague. He won't even give me a definite answer. We have had this planned for like two months. I was not excited at all, but Chris and Manda managed to make me feel better and feel happy and special and excited, so I got my hopes up and now it's done. Before it even begun. So this is why I am old, I get excited for impossible things.

Now I have to call my brother and manage not to yell at him, even though that is what I really want to do, and cancel. Like I am the one who cancelled. I left Manda a cell phone message and I know I sounded pathetic, but I was kinda happy that Ben actually wanted to go. More than that, I want Manda hugs! It has been way too long since I have seen her. At least I will see her at the end of this month. Mom and Chris can't go up North and leave the three of us, (Manda, Chris and Me) the house, so I will just have to deal. I am truly sorry Leylia, if this sounds like a poor princess pity rant, I don't want it to be, but it probably is, huh? I am pretty much angry and feeling ridiculous. I am mostly angry at myself. I wish I could talk to Chris. As always, Chris is the one who stands by me. I do not know what I would do without that man. Honestly. I am too something to exercise right now, I didn't exercise yesterday, either, so I am just gonna be a pudgy, lazy bum and take a shower.