Leylia's Nook

Ramblings of two cute dorks

Monday, January 03, 2005

*Deep breath*

Okay, so it has been a really, really long time since I posted - for many reasons. But I am finally starting to feel like me again. Like a sprite again. Like Elizabeth. Christopher and I had a rocky time for awhile there, but you know what? There was always a "Christopher and I" to speak of and for that I will always be grateful. A lot has changed, and yet, not so surprisingly, not as much as one would think.

A new and constant addition to my thoughts is how to tell Christopher all of this stuff I feel. Like how nervous I am about us possibly dating again. How do I really know that he is not angry anymore? I know that that may seem like an unfair question, but I really am scared. There, I said it. Scared. We finally made our way back to each other and I am so afraid to lose him again. I do like myself, most of the time, but what if I mess up again? I am petrified that I will make him angry again. I think I know why we ended badly, (and I know it is my fault,) but I am not even sure of that! It is so hard to trust myself with him. To convince myself that I deserve him in my life. To convince myself that he wants me. Wants me back. Wants me still.

He is still the only man who makes me this mushy. I love him. I feel like I could type that for a million years and still not reach a fraction of how special he is to me. I love him! I really am very proud of us. Throughout it all, we remained friends. I am so grateful to Christopher for so many things, most of which are not tangible. The single most important thing that I am grateful for is simply his existence in my world. He is such a giving and loving and forgiving man. He told me on the phone the other day, before our latest encounter, that I still blow him away. When I saw him, I inadequately told him that he does too, but I could tell that he didn't believe me. He does. Even though I am confused right now, all of these true things that I know seem to be slowly melting away my confusion and gently guiding me in his direction.

Hopefully, I will be able to write that poem/letter that has been swimming in my head for weeks now and explain all of this and more to him. If not, at least I typed this out, and maybe he will look it up sometime. I might even cheat and tell him to read it. I dunno. I am impatient like that.

So if I could tell Christopher truths.....
they would be long and heartfelt and I will definitely start crying soon so I'll have to come back to this. Not only that, that being I am a chicken, but also...Just in case he does read this, I'll save those 'truths' for just awhile longer. I am going to enjoy sifting through them and baring them down until they are nothing but quick and brilliant flashes of brightly colored lights to share with him. That is what they are developing into. Picture the Northern Lights in Alaska, but streaking very fast across the sky.

One truth that I will tell now. Simple and not a beautiful flash of light at all. I looked at this blog. I peeked at it. I have read and re-read and practically memorized all Chris posted during and since our breakup. I have tried to forget the anger. I have privately delighted in that certain post that he wrote so long ago just for me. I am blissfully thankful. No matter what happens with us from here on in, I am thankful.

Good night dear elf. I'll meet you again, tangled together high up in Leylia's branches, in that 'special place meant just for two'.

Another post I will update Leylia and readers, (if there are any) to my life's changes and especially that magical gift that Christopher recently gave me for Christmas. Really not for Christmas, but it happened around that time and its my favorite holiday, so why not label it? I am doing a tidbit now to force myself to explain later. I want that part of our history in writing. Hmm....tonight has been an endless parade of loud truths parading through my brain.

And so, dear Leylia, where did the time go? Thank you for always watching over me and Christopher and for your overwhelming patience with me. This woman is growing again, stagnant no longer.


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