Tuesday, September 25th:
Hello Leylia's Nook:
Well, I'm pissed off and hurt and confused and angry and stupid and unhappy and I need a place to rant so heres goes. You get stuck with me. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I hate myself most times. I feel like I have no drive, no energy, nothing to put behind my desires. I'm a constant dreamer Leylia. A dreamer with nothing. And I hate, I hate so much and I can't even direct my hate towards anyone or anything positive. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHRRRGGGHHGGH FDUCK FUFCKIKKM!!!!!!
*breath breath* sorry Leylia. You don't need this. But I do *ouch - I'm sorry =(* I just HATE this Leylia. Why can't I find anything? Why can't I do anything good? Why am I not happy? Why can't I direct my efforts towards anything GOOD? Why am I so fucking despondant around my girlfriend all the time? WHY WHY WHY!!!??? What the fuck's the matter with me? I FUCKING HATE THIS! I can't do anything! I'm a fucking failure. Y'know that's what I consider myself most of the time - a failure? The Great Cosmic Failure that's who the fuck I am. I'm a fucking moron. SOOOOO many fucking hangups!!!! I just want to be happy and magical and and and.... be HAPPY in my relationships. I am but not enough of the time. And I want, I want.......I want something. I want drive, I want my efforts to go somewhere. I want to stop being this fucking failure!!!! That's how I feel a lot of the time - all these people through history are looking down, watching over us, and when they look at me they go, "Yep, that's the failure. Boy he tried so fucking little. Thinks he tried hard but he didn't. Wish he could have done something. Wish he could have lived up to his potential. But nope, to us he's just THE failure. boy oh boy....."
Why am the fucking failure Leylia, why? Why can't I just direct my energy towards something good? Why can't I just devote more time to my karate? Why can't I direct more time to honing my magic? Why am I such an old man with so little to show for it? Why? Oh Camelot, what was I then? Have I always been this bad?
I fucking suck. No, this fucking sucks. I don't know. I just want to go home. Home is me and I can't even find my way back there! And why, while we're on the subject of a home, why can't I be happy a lot more around Elizabeth? Why do I have such little patience with her nowadays? She's everything a guy could want and more. Fun, sexy, beautiful, wonderful intelligence, nice attitude (bitchy, spirited, =)), and she LOVES ME. Like, actually loves me. She doesn't cheat on me, I don't even get the sense that she wants to anymore. She is completely devoted to me. And I totally can't stand her sometimes. And I want to cry, cry a lot. I want to cry so much. Just cry, from morning to noon one day, just cry. And I can't. Cause I got nothing to cry about. I've made this prison of mine myself. And there's no way out. No way. I can't see one. I think I can sometimes and I try. But I can't. There's no way out of these walls. Oh FPC, I just want to walk with and talk with you and EXPERIENCE you and all your wonderful Nature. But I can't even do that. I can't even find the drive to take a walk. And its all my fault. I'm a chickenshit who can't yell at the people he's angry with. And when I do, there's always something to show me that I'm wrong so I feel like a fucking ASSHOLE about it all. And I can't be happy with Elizabeth and I still think she's going to cheat on me even though I know she doesn't. And I still feel that she wants out, or that she'd be happier if she could just sleep around, sleep with other people because Lord knows I'm not happy and I'm not good for her like that. So many fucking hangups. She loves me goddammit and I can't let myself see it all or believe it all or FEEL it all. I just can't. Maybe it would be better if she went back to Mark and people she doesn't want a relationship with. I truly feel this way. I can't shake it. I feel it would just be better.
For me, I still won't be happy. Even if I lose her I won't be happy. She's not the problem, I am. Yes she contributes to the problem but only in the way that she loves me so much and I love her so much that we're so close that we get angrier easily at each other and that some of our annoying little habits and ways of acting piss each other off. But I could lose her and become a whore and I still wouldn't be happy. So many fucking hangups. I'm such a fucking fuck up. I fucking hate this all. I want OUT. OUT GODDAMMIT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to be happy again. Can't I integrate growing and learning and happiness all in one? And can't I shake these fucking hangups about everything!? And can't I hold on to a bit of fucking humbleness. I hate the person I think I'm becoming. I don't like being arrogant. I like being sure of myself or at least having the ability to move assuredly but I hate being arrogant. And I am. I so am. And I can't seem to help it. Especially with Elizabeth. It just comes out more and more. And I can't shake it. I wish she would just leave me so she doesn't have to put up with it. She deserves better. And no, I don't care if she doesn't MIND it or if she can GET USED TO IT - I DON'T WANT IT THERE! And it so is, it so is. *sigh* oh well. Love, life, and everything else sucks. I just want release and happiness. And integrating. Just those things. Please? Please anyone? Please Chris? Please?
"Trust I seek and I find in you. Everyday for us something new. Open eyes for a different view. And nothing else matterssss" Why can't feel like this? Happy tears? Happy sad?
Happy???????????
Sincerely,
The Elf
*Did I leave this place? Did I leave it on my own accord? Do I want to get back? Can I be more myself? Oh magic I've looked for so long. Can I be all those things and still be me? Who am I? Who? Where am I? Where is this place? Why am I here? Do I care? Can I care? Oh Fate where art thou now? Where is my destiny to break? Where is anything? Anyone? Please? Anyone?* - True Rantings of Chris in this Life - "Why am I so old with nothing to show for it? To where do I get back to? I don't want to go back. I want to go forward? But how can I grow like this?" The failure they whisper to me. You are the failure.
