Dear Leylia,

Hi. I am writing this to you because you have always been there for me and Elizabeth and I feel I can express my fears to you. You have always watched over us and helped us grow, I honestly believe this, and you probably know more about the future and what is good for both of us better than we do. But I wanted to let you know that I'm afraid Leylia. I'm scared about me and Elizabeth. You see, coming to Budapest I had to ask myself many questions. I was awfully lonely the first few days and as always, I don't make friends very easily and I found that the people I did talk to were a bit scared off of me. This doesn't bother me too much as it is fairly common but I was lonely and I had to ask myself some questions. And the main question I had to ask myself was this: what do you want out of life? I had come far across the world looking for myself and what I wanted and being lonely in those first few days and contemplating the end of my life (strange how that feeling came on) forced me to confront that question in all its stillness: what do I want out of life? And as I walked down the streets of Budapest and, unknowingly, came close to a field, I realized the answer, very quietly, in the depths of my heart: I wanted love, I wanted sex, and I wanted work. My mind was very quiet and I could feel the questions and answers in my heart and as I realized this I realized something else: it was Elizabeth that fulfilled the first two. Work, the third (realization? thing?) could only be fulfilled by myself - how I wanted to work and what I wanted to do. But the first two, wanting to be in love and have sex, were always fulfilled by Elizabeth. I have not met every person in the world so I can't say out of everybody but I felt it, very quietly and in my heart, that it is Elizabeth, always Elizabeth, who fulfills my first two desires. She is so understanding and so loving and whenever, and I mean this, whenever I have felt so unsure or confused about myself or about life or about love, it is always Elizabeth who is feeling the same things and who understands me and who, with no pushiness at all, connects with me. I love her and the only reason I have not been with her is 1) because of the pain I feel at the time (which can last several months) and 2) because I am searching for myself. But walking in that field and feeling that loneliness that calmed my mind and made me listen to my heart made me realize one thing: I love her and there is noone else who I will connect with like her. I may come close, very close, with someone else but never to the extent that I do with Elizabeth. There are so many small and big things that I connect with with her that I could not adequately describe them here. I love her and she works and grows on her own and with me and she is willing, so willing, to grow with me and I grow so well with her. And, and I do mean this, I also have a lot of fun with her. It is not fun that comforts my distorted sense of how a young person should have fun, partying and all that, but whether it is art, or walking, or drinking, or going out to dinner, I have such a complete and fun time with her. And it is only the pain and my own ego which stops me from being with her always.

Which brings me to my fear Leylia. I fear my revelation may have come too late. For I gave Elizabeth up and set her free and encouraged her, and still honestly encourage her to look for someone that makes her happy. And I fear that she will find someone who makes her very happy and who is safe to be with and who won't let her go and won't leave her and that that will mean for me, that I can not have her anymore. I am very afraid, dear Leylia, that I have realized myself too late and that Elizabeth will grow elsewhere and with someone else. I could not have rushed the process and I could not have gotten to this place without the adequate time that I had but I worry that, even if it is right, it will mean that it is too late for me and Elizabeth. She is the only one who I feel so complete with and I am not exaggerating when I say this: the world around feels more whole when I am with her. It is a strange feeling, a feeling I have only otherwise gotten when tripping, that the world is aligned correctly but this feeling of wholeness has also happened, when I have been as sober as can be, after I have talked to Elizabeth for a long time or when I have been with her for even a little while. And indeed, though I had no right to think this, when I acknowledged here in Budapest that Elizabeth was my girl, it was only then that I felt calm and complete and my life, honestly, became much better after that. I have to laugh to myself right now because it is so strange - it really is. I am laughing even as I write this. When I acknowledge, completely and in my heart, that Elizabeth is my girl, then and only then do all things seem right and do I act like myself. It is very strange but I can feel it. And so I fear dear Leylia that while all this may be true, I fear I may have arrived here too late.

And so I must leave now Leylia and thank you very much for listening. I hope I have not burdened you too much with myself and I hope that you will continue to watch over me and Elizabeth as I know you will. Thank you for listening Leylia. I needed to say it. *mwah*

Love,
Chris

(P.S. I realize the ridiculousness of writing this only to Leylia as though you, Elizabeth, are not going to read this but I feel that maybe I need to tell you too. Please know however, that while I may feel these things, I honestly want you to be happy and not guilt-ridden or restricted in any way. Please seek life Elizabeth, and find yourself and others in all ways possible. I love you and if you were to find someone else, then I would accept that that is the way of the world. I do not want to restrict you Elizabeth and I could never forgive myself if I did. pLease understand that I am being honest but I hope this touches a part of you that still allows you to live your life, your normal life, in as exactly a fulfilling way as possible. Do not let this stop you from finding yourself or someone else. I love you - Chris)