The Elf slips quietly into Leylia and looks around. A small hmmph escapes his lips as he looks at the dusty furniture and cobwebs which have infiltrated this special place. He left much too quickly and unhappily and look what has happened now. With a small sigh for remembrances past he begins to tidy up the place, dusting the furniture, removing the cobwebs, just a general cleaning of Leylia. She deserves this he thinks and he believes Leylia has a small smile hidden somewhere in her trunk. She likes to see her kids happy after all and not sad, he knows that.

After cleaning Leylia, the Elf takes another look and then begins lifting the chairs and placing them on the table. This place will not be returned to for a long time and Leylia deserves a proper hibernation while her kids are away. Once the furniture is righted and any other odds and ends are tucked away, the Elf walks to the door, opens it, and takes one final look around. His heart is lighter now than it was a time ago and he feels foolish for the way he acted and the things he said. But...well he's acted foolish before and he probably will again. He feels very sorry for the way he acted toward the Sprite but hopefully time heals all wounds. And so, with a last look around and a nod of his head that things are as they should be and with a final pat to Leylia, he heads out, closes the door, and takes a path into the Forest.

Elizabeth, I hope that you are happy and I want to thank you for always wanting the best for me. I'm sorry for what I said and how I acted and I only want you to know that once I finally started acting like myself again, regardless of how it may have seemed at any time, that all I wanted was to be with you. Please be well and continue to be happy and I wish you and yours, your family and your children, the very best of things to come. Here's to you my Sprite.

Well Leylia, this is it. I don't think I'll be coming back here for awhile, not unless I come with Elizabeth. We are done for a while Leylia, I don't know how long and it may be forever and my heart is broken because of it. I am leaving now and unless we find each other again and come back together, then I won't be back. Thank you for everything Leylia and I hope this isn't the end. If it is, then thank you for everything and it was very special while it lasted. I just want to leave a little note here for Elizabeth, so please pass it on to her if you see her. Okay, Leylia? Goodbye.

Elizabeth, my Sprite, I do not feel that we are hopeless. If you ever wish to work it out again then please find me. Anytime, anywhere. Come find me Elizabeth and I will come find you.

Dear Leylia,

Hi. I am writing this to you because you have always been there for me and Elizabeth and I feel I can express my fears to you. You have always watched over us and helped us grow, I honestly believe this, and you probably know more about the future and what is good for both of us better than we do. But I wanted to let you know that I'm afraid Leylia. I'm scared about me and Elizabeth. You see, coming to Budapest I had to ask myself many questions. I was awfully lonely the first few days and as always, I don't make friends very easily and I found that the people I did talk to were a bit scared off of me. This doesn't bother me too much as it is fairly common but I was lonely and I had to ask myself some questions. And the main question I had to ask myself was this: what do you want out of life? I had come far across the world looking for myself and what I wanted and being lonely in those first few days and contemplating the end of my life (strange how that feeling came on) forced me to confront that question in all its stillness: what do I want out of life? And as I walked down the streets of Budapest and, unknowingly, came close to a field, I realized the answer, very quietly, in the depths of my heart: I wanted love, I wanted sex, and I wanted work. My mind was very quiet and I could feel the questions and answers in my heart and as I realized this I realized something else: it was Elizabeth that fulfilled the first two. Work, the third (realization? thing?) could only be fulfilled by myself - how I wanted to work and what I wanted to do. But the first two, wanting to be in love and have sex, were always fulfilled by Elizabeth. I have not met every person in the world so I can't say out of everybody but I felt it, very quietly and in my heart, that it is Elizabeth, always Elizabeth, who fulfills my first two desires. She is so understanding and so loving and whenever, and I mean this, whenever I have felt so unsure or confused about myself or about life or about love, it is always Elizabeth who is feeling the same things and who understands me and who, with no pushiness at all, connects with me. I love her and the only reason I have not been with her is 1) because of the pain I feel at the time (which can last several months) and 2) because I am searching for myself. But walking in that field and feeling that loneliness that calmed my mind and made me listen to my heart made me realize one thing: I love her and there is noone else who I will connect with like her. I may come close, very close, with someone else but never to the extent that I do with Elizabeth. There are so many small and big things that I connect with with her that I could not adequately describe them here. I love her and she works and grows on her own and with me and she is willing, so willing, to grow with me and I grow so well with her. And, and I do mean this, I also have a lot of fun with her. It is not fun that comforts my distorted sense of how a young person should have fun, partying and all that, but whether it is art, or walking, or drinking, or going out to dinner, I have such a complete and fun time with her. And it is only the pain and my own ego which stops me from being with her always.

Which brings me to my fear Leylia. I fear my revelation may have come too late. For I gave Elizabeth up and set her free and encouraged her, and still honestly encourage her to look for someone that makes her happy. And I fear that she will find someone who makes her very happy and who is safe to be with and who won't let her go and won't leave her and that that will mean for me, that I can not have her anymore. I am very afraid, dear Leylia, that I have realized myself too late and that Elizabeth will grow elsewhere and with someone else. I could not have rushed the process and I could not have gotten to this place without the adequate time that I had but I worry that, even if it is right, it will mean that it is too late for me and Elizabeth. She is the only one who I feel so complete with and I am not exaggerating when I say this: the world around feels more whole when I am with her. It is a strange feeling, a feeling I have only otherwise gotten when tripping, that the world is aligned correctly but this feeling of wholeness has also happened, when I have been as sober as can be, after I have talked to Elizabeth for a long time or when I have been with her for even a little while. And indeed, though I had no right to think this, when I acknowledged here in Budapest that Elizabeth was my girl, it was only then that I felt calm and complete and my life, honestly, became much better after that. I have to laugh to myself right now because it is so strange - it really is. I am laughing even as I write this. When I acknowledge, completely and in my heart, that Elizabeth is my girl, then and only then do all things seem right and do I act like myself. It is very strange but I can feel it. And so I fear dear Leylia that while all this may be true, I fear I may have arrived here too late.

And so I must leave now Leylia and thank you very much for listening. I hope I have not burdened you too much with myself and I hope that you will continue to watch over me and Elizabeth as I know you will. Thank you for listening Leylia. I needed to say it. *mwah*

Love,
Chris

(P.S. I realize the ridiculousness of writing this only to Leylia as though you, Elizabeth, are not going to read this but I feel that maybe I need to tell you too. Please know however, that while I may feel these things, I honestly want you to be happy and not guilt-ridden or restricted in any way. Please seek life Elizabeth, and find yourself and others in all ways possible. I love you and if you were to find someone else, then I would accept that that is the way of the world. I do not want to restrict you Elizabeth and I could never forgive myself if I did. pLease understand that I am being honest but I hope this touches a part of you that still allows you to live your life, your normal life, in as exactly a fulfilling way as possible. Do not let this stop you from finding yourself or someone else. I love you - Chris)

Our anti-valentine's day was even better than I expected. It was like we were fourteen again, but in a good way. Adam took me to Camp Collier, and we stayed in the green cabin, just the two of us. He bought a TV with a DVD player in it so we could watch movies. Lame - I brought poetry! But, zoning is zoning. I am still not a fan of Halle Berry, but I have to admit, Catwoman is a good movie. There was more back story than the Michelle Pfifer film, which I enjoyed. We went sledding and stayed up until 4 am talking upstairs in our sleeping bags and Toaster peed on Adam in his sleeping bag overnight and I managed not to laugh at him. I know what's good for me! The best part was when Adam fell asleep on me and slept through half of the movie. No matter how old and bitter we get, he still feels like home.

On Tuesday, February 22nd, Rob and Kirstie finally had their baby boy! His name is Naaman , pronounced 'Naymahn'. Its Biblical. I didn't like it at first, but its growing on me. The poor kid is definitely a Wheeler baby so maybe he will make the name cool instead of suffering because of it. Maybe. I wish, with a huge lump at the back of my throat type wish, that Mum could see him. Ad had a picture in his phone of him, and, he actually doesn't suffer from the typical ugly baby syndrome. Maybe he is why she was in my dreams. She isn't anymore. I hope she comes back, she seems just as protective of us, Ad and I, as she was when she was alive. But, Nana got to hold him. I bet Mum was right there behind her, grinning like a fool and trying, unsuccessfully, not to cry. I miss her.

Christopher called me today and it was a wonderful surprise. I really hope he got, or gets, alone time soon so he can be him. He sounded upbeat today, and I have to say that it makes my day when he calls me unexpectedly. He has to make an effort to connect with me. There is nothing on earth like confirmation that he is thinking about me too.

The sky is seperated into lines of color and the winter trees don't look stark at all. There is light blue, then a whisper of pink and it alternates like that until a wispy line of violet. The flags are blowing in the wind, US of A and NH, and it looks like a good day.

Dearest Leylia,

Here it is .....one am Valentine's Day, (well now it is officially the day after, but you know what I mean), and I am sitting at work waiting for the next Dispatcher to wake up and realize that she is supposed to be at work right now. Before I go home and get some sleep before my Anti-Valentine's party with Adam, I would like to tell you that I am dating the sweetest man alive. You probably already knew that, and in truth, so did I, but today he showed me, without even talking to me, that he misses me and loves me. Yes, she smiles, giving a resigned sigh, it is still true. I found out today - I am still one of those mushmelon-wearing-a-differnt-eyeliner-just-to-see-if-he-will-notice girls. I arrived at work at 4 pm today, had a fight with my boss, the President's driver, 2 students and my dear friend Jess, well confrontations, really, only to get one of the most beautiful bouquets of flowers I have ever seen. I am really excited that there are lots of buds, too, becuase they will bloom in my new apartment! The card that came with the flowers, you ask? Simply, 'Love, Chris'. Well, Leylia, I love him too.

Alright well I just wrote a huge, long update but now I will summarize because work decided to update our computer system and now I have absolutely no friggin' clue what I am doing.... Ironically, they also deleted all of the programs needed to do my job. Its kinda funny actually:
*ring* goes the switchboard phone
me: 'Good evening, Franklin Pierce'
caller: Can you connect me to '_____' (name of person caller is trying to reach)
me: 'Is that a student or staff member?'
caller: 'student'
*Dramatic pause while I ponder the correct respones that will A) Amuse me at 3:30 AM, B) not make caller swear at me, and C) allow me to keep my job*
me: (sample response) 'Oh, ok. Well, my computer has been reformatted so I no longer have the tools necessary to assist you. I can answer the phone still, as you can tell. My name is _____ (supply fake blond-sounding name, Barbie is my favorite). What's your name?'

Or better yet, Me: *click* (Yeah - I'm still laughing my as off at how many people hung up on me and vice versa!)

I can't wait until my boss comes in this morning. I'm not being sarcastic, its my Monday, so I really missed that certain purple vein bulging out of his neck! It makes me grin. Privately, of course.

I'm really not annoyed anymore. I find all of this inefficiency grossly amusing. I really do.

So, back to the post. Christopher came up to visit me in Hicksville, NH the weekend of January 21st and got snowed in with me because Boston closed. They got that much snow. I would have been jealous, but I live in the boonies of New Hampshire. Seeing thigh deep snow is as common as seeing a pine tree or me driving home to go to bed with the sun rising now. I managed to not say, well not so he could hear me, 'Oh gee, whatever will we do?' for like a day and a half. I'm still proud of that one. On Friday he asked me to be his girlfriend. I love that he didn't say 'again.' The big issue for me was that I hate, really HATE long distance relationships and I didn't want to miss him. All over again. Still. But I was already wrangling to give myself permission to miss him and the truth is...*small voice* I already did. We talked ALOT over those snowy days and we decided to take it slow, which gives me peace of mind. We do live in different states after all, with kinda separate lives. And only one of us has a license, *nudge, nudge*. Of course, I said "yes", how could I not? So we have a new anniversary and we kept toasting to 'new beginnings'. I feel loudly excited and quietly happy, if that makes any sense at all. Oh- and we went sledding.
Thanks for listening, err... reading Leylia.

PLUSES 4 the day: I got to see Christopher!
I played in the snow with Bosco! We jumped off of the picnic table into thigh deep snow at the same time.
MINUSES 4 the day: I had to say goodbye to Bosco, Momma and Christopher all in the same day.
I got no sleep for work, but I discovered a SOBE energy drink. Uh oh.

This quiz says that my DJ name is 'Earsplitting Star'. Every time I entered my name it was ____ star. Coincidence? Mom's is _____ God and Christopher's is _____ Cream. *wink*

DJ Quiz link: maybe it'll work *crosses fingers without much anticipation*

Elizabeth spins tunes as DJ Electric Star http://quizme.stvlive.com/djname/quiz.php

WHOA! It worked!!!! Maybe I am kinda smart. (pronouced 'smaht' in Jersery Gurl fashion*) *sigh* I miss Christine.

*Deep breath*

Okay, so it has been a really, really long time since I posted - for many reasons. But I am finally starting to feel like me again. Like a sprite again. Like Elizabeth. Christopher and I had a rocky time for awhile there, but you know what? There was always a "Christopher and I" to speak of and for that I will always be grateful. A lot has changed, and yet, not so surprisingly, not as much as one would think.

A new and constant addition to my thoughts is how to tell Christopher all of this stuff I feel. Like how nervous I am about us possibly dating again. How do I really know that he is not angry anymore? I know that that may seem like an unfair question, but I really am scared. There, I said it. Scared. We finally made our way back to each other and I am so afraid to lose him again. I do like myself, most of the time, but what if I mess up again? I am petrified that I will make him angry again. I think I know why we ended badly, (and I know it is my fault,) but I am not even sure of that! It is so hard to trust myself with him. To convince myself that I deserve him in my life. To convince myself that he wants me. Wants me back. Wants me still.

He is still the only man who makes me this mushy. I love him. I feel like I could type that for a million years and still not reach a fraction of how special he is to me. I love him! I really am very proud of us. Throughout it all, we remained friends. I am so grateful to Christopher for so many things, most of which are not tangible. The single most important thing that I am grateful for is simply his existence in my world. He is such a giving and loving and forgiving man. He told me on the phone the other day, before our latest encounter, that I still blow him away. When I saw him, I inadequately told him that he does too, but I could tell that he didn't believe me. He does. Even though I am confused right now, all of these true things that I know seem to be slowly melting away my confusion and gently guiding me in his direction.

Hopefully, I will be able to write that poem/letter that has been swimming in my head for weeks now and explain all of this and more to him. If not, at least I typed this out, and maybe he will look it up sometime. I might even cheat and tell him to read it. I dunno. I am impatient like that.

So if I could tell Christopher truths.....
they would be long and heartfelt and I will definitely start crying soon so I'll have to come back to this. Not only that, that being I am a chicken, but also...Just in case he does read this, I'll save those 'truths' for just awhile longer. I am going to enjoy sifting through them and baring them down until they are nothing but quick and brilliant flashes of brightly colored lights to share with him. That is what they are developing into. Picture the Northern Lights in Alaska, but streaking very fast across the sky.

One truth that I will tell now. Simple and not a beautiful flash of light at all. I looked at this blog. I peeked at it. I have read and re-read and practically memorized all Chris posted during and since our breakup. I have tried to forget the anger. I have privately delighted in that certain post that he wrote so long ago just for me. I am blissfully thankful. No matter what happens with us from here on in, I am thankful.

Good night dear elf. I'll meet you again, tangled together high up in Leylia's branches, in that 'special place meant just for two'.

Another post I will update Leylia and readers, (if there are any) to my life's changes and especially that magical gift that Christopher recently gave me for Christmas. Really not for Christmas, but it happened around that time and its my favorite holiday, so why not label it? I am doing a tidbit now to force myself to explain later. I want that part of our history in writing. Hmm....tonight has been an endless parade of loud truths parading through my brain.

And so, dear Leylia, where did the time go? Thank you for always watching over me and Christopher and for your overwhelming patience with me. This woman is growing again, stagnant no longer.