Why is it when I do the thing that feels like it is the right thing to do I am not happy? Why am I such a loser? I really honestly want to kill myself and I would if I felt it would do anything. But it won't. I broke up with Elizabeth because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time and I still feel it was but what have I gotten from it? Nothing but pain. Pain Pain and more Pain. I don't go to parties, I'm a social loser, I can't get laid, and my god its fucking killing me! KILLING ME! I feel its like this one part of my chest that day by day is just swallowing up and eating the other parts of myself. I feel completely fulfilled in all parts of my life except the love/sex part and right now, fuck the love part! But I can't get laid and I'm a fucking loser and I'm miserable all the time. Miserable. Extremely depressed. Like right now. I gave up Elizabeth so I could be free but I'm not free, I'm still imprisoned. I honestly feel like there is this great weight pressing against my chest that prevents me from going out and actually finding someone. I am a loser. I want to die. I wish I could die. I really wish I could. *Sigh* Although this next part probably isn't necessary, I really wish I could stop loving Elizabeth. I really do. Then there wouldn't be this pain, this intolerable pain. I hate her and love her at the exact same time and it is killing me. Now I'm the one who is always asking to hang out with her and now I'm the one who is being shut down. Turnabout is fair play I guess but why don't I get a turnaround? Why don't I get anything? All I wanted Senior year was to have a good time, party, have sex, and be happy. But I didn't get into the Sawmills or Lakeview and now I have no connection to the party scene and its killing me. I want to cry I want to cry right now. I've gotten nothing, nothing from everything I went through. Yes I've grown but my god I just want some fun. Please? Why can't I have it? Why am I stopped?

At least I picked up a slide for my bong and have weed on the way. *Sigh* I just want to kill myself but I think I'll drink now and go for a walk. Maybe I can dull the edge of my pain just a little and get some sleep (I know its really melodramatic but it hurts SO MUCH =( =( =( =(...