Ihate everyone. I can't stand being the person I was or even who I am. I will never go back. Never. I will kill every last mother fucker on the face of this planet, I will murder babies, I will kill children, I will slay everyone before I go back to who I was before. I will never be used - not by you, not by fate, not by anyone. I will kill before I go back and I will not be used.

I am not happy often and most of it is myself, my fault, but I am trying. I am trying to be happy. I want to be free and I want to be sexual and those things are VERY VERY hard to balance, especially when I am in such a relationship that I do not want to give up. I am horny but I can control it and we will be okay.

And I don't really want to say this but I have to get it out so you'll know. It's weird, but there are parts of me that can love and parts of me that can hate and both can be present at the same time. There is a part of me that hates you Elizabeth, hates you with an absolute incredible passion. There is a part of me that wants to kill you at times. For what you've done and for who you are. You asked me once, at the beginning of our relationship to trust you (Adam was up I believe). Well I did and I was wrong to do so. It was right not to trust you but perhaps it was better that I did for I learned to take and I learned what to watch out for and I learned who not to trust which is just about everybody. To give is to be used and so I will try very hard not to give anywhere as much anymore. No one is worth it, no one has ever proved themselves or returned it to me - at least not to the extent that I expect. Maybe I expect too much but even so, people aren't worth it. And there is a part of me that hates you Elizabeth but there is also a part of me that loves you and respects you very very much. You are perhaps the best person I have ever met. Ever. I look up to you and I even model myself after you. Hey, maybe I'm just weak. Ta-ta girl.

Sincerely,
Chris

P.S. Fuck you Fate and Fuck you Moon. You are not on my side, you are on the side of the people who suck up to you the most. Try to use me to help them and I will kill you too. Or at the very least mess up your very carefully laid plans. Its amazing what a crazy person can do ;-)

Chris *kiss*